Long distance relationships

One of my friends got this wonderful opportunity on the West Coast, which basically meant leaving her life here on the East coast; consisting of her parents, current job and fiancé and moving across the continent. She was expressing to me her concerns about long-distance relationships and the fact that her fiancé was not too excited about this prospect. She was weighing the pros and cons of the situation and wanted my advice regarding the matter. Had she to make a choice, she wondered, what should she choose? So of course I am the agony aunt who would rather be a sounding board than play a role in her decision-making. Although I have my own views and experiences, I have decided to keep mum!

My take is that long distance relationships are extremely delicate and difficult but not impossible. One need not sacrifice their personal life to advance their career. One needs a supportive significant other, who is mature enough to realize that it is equally important for the other person to realize their dreams. I speak from experience as I have had a long-distance relationship myself. My husband was in India while I was pursuing my graduate studies in the United States. It was a very difficult situation, given the time difference and the geographical barrier.

Nevertheless, the things that really kept me going were his trust, commitment, love and faith! All was not hunky-dory; there were times when we faced a huge communication gap. This happened despite the fact that we used to email each other three-to four times a day and chat online all the time. I used to hang out in the library in between or after classes, writing my papers, doing my research while chatting online with my spouse. This was basically to keep each other abreast of the daily happenings in our lives.

Of course there were moments like during the Christmas holidays in my first year, unused to the severity of winter and general loneliness, when I wanted to pack my bags and return home or a feeling of immense sadness whenever we hung up after speaking on the phone. Anyway what helped us the most was communication and more communication, even disagreeing and arguing over the telephone like one would face-to-face. The conclusion was that instead of getting divorced, as predicted by a lot of "well wishers," we ended up respecting and valuing each other more. When you are away from your loved ones, you realize how much he/she means to you and how empty your life is without them! Hence both of you make an extra effort and work really hard to nurture and strengthen the relationship. One should follow one's dreams and if the other person truly loves you, he/she will let you go. If one chooses to forego their dreams, just to please the other person, there is a possibility that one might regret it later.

In my friend’s case if she chooses to move to the west coast, it will still be the same continent, same country, a three-hour time difference and just a seven hour plane ride. I am comparing this with my situation; across two continents, different countries, ten and a half hours time difference and a 22-hour plane ride! Before marriage if she has had to give up on her dreams then post-marriage she would have to be ready to sacrifice a lot of things just to please him! What is left of her life and individuality? Perhaps this separation would prove to be a good time for her to step back and see if this person is right for her. Perhaps she will realize that he is the one and the job isn’t worth it and decide to move back here. Perhaps she will realize that he is not worth it at all and stay on there. One would never know this until one leaves familiar surroundings and takes that risk. She has to weigh both the options and decide what path she wants to take. As long as she is true to herself she will not regret her decision later.