Retired life: leisure or loneliness?

Last evening my husband and I went to the temple. We were listening to Pandit Bhimsen Joshi’s CD and my husband was totally engrossed in the rendition of the raag “Yaman Kalyan” and was singing along with the maestro. Anyway he pulled into the parking space, turned off the ignition and consequently the CD was off but not my husband. Blissfully unaware of his surroundings, he continued singing. From the side view mirror I saw an elderly couple holding hands walking up to their car, an old Cadillac. Their car was parked to our right, therefore to my side. The wife was wearing a saree while the husband was wearing a tweed jacket. He walked her to the car and opened the door for her. I told my husband, “Oh look how chivalrous of that man to open the door for his wife. That is so old school. They don’t make men like that anymore.” Of course my husband was still negotiating the “swara,” so was oblivious to me, but as soon as we both stepped out, he suddenly realized his surroundings and stopped singing. The gentleman looked at him and said, “You have such a beautiful voice.” My husband, basically a very shy guy, was totally embarrassed and replied, “I wasn’t singing.” Since I love embarrassing him I said, “Sure you were” and then I looked at the gentleman and said, “Yes he was singing and thanks a lot for your compliment. I agree, he does have a lovely voice.”

So he laughed and introduced himself. He asked my husband, “So are you a Maharashtrian?” My husband just smiled at him and didn’t answer. He asked my hubby his last name. So my husband told him what it is. Those who are from Maharashtra (this might be true for the rest of India as well) would know that last names are typical to one's caste. My husband’s last name however is not a typical last name found in his caste. Anyway this gentleman said,” Oh wow so are you from the XYZ community” My husband said, “Well I really don’t understand castes but I don’t think so.”

My husband and I were brought up by our respective parents in a very cosmopolitan environment, so we do not care about provincial issues like caste, religion etc. Incidentally my parents and hence I, do belong to the XYZ community, therefore I smiled and told the guy, “If you are looking for someone from that community, then look no further” and extended my hand to shake his. He started laughing and said, “Well actually I belong to XYZ community as well so I felt a sense of kindredship when I heard your husband’s last name.” So I laughed and told him what my husband's caste was. Incidentally his wife belonged to the same caste as my husband. So he called out his wife's name and she stepped out of the car to talk to us. They were quite excited to meet us. I must add that in their generation it was rather uncommon to marry outside one's own caste. We chatted for quite a bit with them and then they left.

My husband asked me later, “Since when did you start caring about people being of your caste or Maharashtrian for that matter?” I told my husband that personally I don't care at all but the couple belonged to a different generation. They were in their seventies. They moved here, to the United States in the fifties. They were here at the time when there wasn’t any technological development; therefore they might not have been able to speak to their parents that regularly. They might not even have visited their families that often. Who knows perhaps we might have reminded them of themselves years ago. Since we spoke their language and were from their respective castes, they might have felt some kinship towards us.

The lady invited me to her home and said in Marathi, “Come home sometime, I will make “poli-bhaji” (typical Maharashtrian fare of bread and vegetables) for you.” This sentence spoke volumes of loneliness to me. They were retired. They might not have too many friends living near them. People move a lot in the United States. It is also said that the friendships established in our youth last the longest. Also as one gets older, one reverts to one's childhood or anything that is reminiscent of one's childhood. Language is one of them. Perhaps their kids might be very busy to visit them that often so they must be lonely. I think about my parents in India and realize that they are living in familiar surroundings. One does not face this kind of loneliness in India as there is a support system over there. As it is this country is hostile to the elderly, who aren’t considered productive and therefore not useful (this is a generalization and not everyone thinks like that but I could go on about issues faced by senior citizens). I can imagine what it must be for someone who did not grow up here! I don’t think their kids must be callous at all, but they just must be very busy with their own families and careers. It is not their fault; it's just the way things are that it cannot be helped!

Maybe I should take up her invitation to have “poli bhaji” sometime. Who knows when I am old and lonely I might want that too.