When I started working a few years ago, I realized that few members of the support staff would not take directions from me. I am the only female professional at my work place. They would take directions from my male counterparts but never from me. It was an incredibly difficult time for me. There was one particular person who especially was very rude and very coarse in her mannerisms. I attributed it partly to xenophobia and partly to a very patriarchal upbringing where men took decisions.
One afternoon I had a particularly difficult time and I lost it and of course gave her a dressing down. The following weekend my husband and I had gone to spend time with his old friend from Bombay. They had organized a dinner party and we met a lot of other couples. One of the guests, who is a successful gynecologist, did her residency in New York. She happens to be from Bombay as well. We started talking and I happened to mention this episode to her. She said that such insubordination happened to her when she was doing her residency. She was new in the country and that time the nurses and other staff would never listen to her and would make her life very difficult. She gave me advice on how to deal with the situation were it to happen again.
My husband overheard her advice and told me that I can kill more flies with honey than a swatter. K also told me to treat it like a lesson in interpersonal skills. Anyway I decided to implement K’s advice and started being extremely polite yet firm with this person. Every time she was rude, I would find humor and tell her off without getting ego into the picture. K’s advice paid off and I have learnt how to deal with people in different situations.
Gradually I got to know the person and realized that what I considered rude or impolite was normal conversation to her. She didn’t know anything better. I also found that appearances are deceptive and the tough girl is just a façade and in fact she is very sensitive. As I got to know her I found that she was in an abusive marriage. What really shocked me was her inability to walk out of it. She has children but I don’t think a violent atmosphere is conducive for a child’s development. I haven’t really understood why she cannot leave the guy. Of course it is none of my business therefore I never pry in her personal life. This afternoon, however I saw an extremely vulnerable side to her personality and my heart goes out to her. Beyond that rough exterior lies an extremely vulnerable person whom life has been hard to. Life is never easy on anyone so one has to accept challenges and take decisions to the best of one’s abilities. Also one must learn from one’s past mistakes and move ahead. In this case I do hope that God gives her the strength to take some tough decisions to change her life.
12 comments:
reminds me of 'gandhigiri' from the movie 'lage raho munnabhai'. 'civilisation' has layered our 'social behaviour'. hence appearances surely are deceptive.
your blog is a very beautiful narration of stereotyping.
They are indeed deceptive appearances that is. I wish moer women walked out of abusive situations, I know they cannot always do that but that maybe the best way out of it.
Hope she has the strengh to go through with it too,Sai!I feel for her.
I had to go through a literal hell with my in laws too.Life was tough, specially if you have a partner who is more scared of his own parents than a new bride.But I stuck out on my own, and swore never again will I let myself treated that way by anyone!They still hate my guts though!Oh well!
Keep in touch with her,sometimes a kind word from somebody is all you need to get through it all.
@Magic eye:
Thanks for your comments. This woman's personality is more like Rhys in the movie "Grease" (girl making fun of Sandra D)....toughness is a bravado!
@Sanjay: She told me that if she leaves the guy....hear this....she is worried about him....as in who will take care of him as his family is upto no good. She wants to help him out. That is the reason why I have such a soft corner for her...she is just too kind!
@Asha: OY! to what you had to go through with Arvind's family. I think Arvind must be too decent a person....he musn't be scared of his folks as much as wanting peace at all times. That being said I can completely understand your pain!
Lousy in-laws is an Indian stereotype LOL! Of course it is all about power and control especially if they are wealthy. It is a power game that is played with the son as a pawn and emotional blackmail as a powerful weapon. They are obviously going to hate your guts for having the strength to take your own decisions and lead your own life. This way they lose control and are embarassed that they underestimated your strength!
That is your success right there...the ability to lead your own life and also have a successful marriage.
She told me that if she leaves the guy....hear this....she is worried about him....as in who will take care of him as his family is upto no good
*Desk meet head*. But you know it is not a surprise, cos the abused often feel that way about the abusers.
Nice story Sai. I also find that appearances are often deceptive and that a very tough shell hides a very vulnerable "chewy" center.
Hope you are well.
@Sanjay: I know I have decided to not say anything to her OR rather as ppl in Joisey like to say "Not gonna say nothing to nobody."
@Dan:
So nice to see you here! Hope all is well with you!
I feel bad for her...I she gets the courage to get out of this situation & puts her life on mend.
Stay Beautiful...!!
I felt bad for her. It's v difficult to get out of a bad situation. The guilt trips et al. I guess one has to take that kind of risk in life ... but it's extremely difficult.... esp when human relationships are the way they are.
@Sugarlips and Shruti:
Yes it is a difficult situation but she is the only one who can take a decision. It is very painful to peal off a bandage....I would draw comparison to that. One has to take a tough stand no matter what.
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